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Holden and Ari

Stars spun in his eyes as he lay on the floor. Long the symbol of ambition and a guide for travelers, they now seemed to taunt him, as he felt helpless and pinned to the ground. He never thought this would happen, knew he should escape; but was too weary and tired. Maybe if he rested for a moment he could get the strength to leave, however with each second he felt more leaden.

“God, help me.” So cruel…  no one but the stars could hear him. He had always tried to do the right thing, be good, so he could not comprehend his situation. It seemed so unfair. Tears slid down his cheeks as the stars grew brighter and burning.  Flames began to lick and hiss around him. His pain and fear subsided as he grew hotter and smelled smoke.  He half expected the scorching to shock his senses, but realized it was an illusion.  He was lying to himself; he could not escape if he tried. His last words were, “I didn’t want this. I don’t want to leave.” He tried rise and fight. He thought of how much he loved life. Fate overrode his desire to survive, in reality was he was consumed, and then he was gone.

Stars twinkled in her eyes as she fled the building. She had stopped for a moment to recapture her breath and looked up at the sky in exhaustion and shock. Their tranquility and beauty taunted her after all she experienced. Even the glow and familiarity of the moon disgusted her; it was an illusion, just a reflection of the sun. She never thought this would happen, knew she had to escape, but was weary and tired. She felt trapped, she knew she had done bad things in the past, yet always rationalized her actions and never thought she harmed anyone. She was lying to herself all those times and how can she reconcile what happened that night? It was a cruel reality to face. She was nothing more than an opportunist and crook. She never meant to be immoral or harm anyone, even in that moment saw reasons why she did so, but justifications would not make her want to live with herself. She stood dazed until the hiss of flames turned into a roar. If she wanted to survive she had to go.

“God, help me.” She knew God listened less to her and was as unreachable as the stars. Tears ran down her cheeks for the first time in years.  She did not want any of it to happen. She had not wanted to fight, she just wanted to live. The person she was, whoever she had been was dead and gone.

Ari did not know what to do, so blindly drove to the safe house in Rosemary Woods as planned, in spite of her shock. Her hands trembled and she sweat bullets. Vincent had picked the safe house.  Vincent.  Her partner, lover, boss… her alpha and omega. She loved and hated him and could not believe he was gone. She followed the directions robotically to the cabin, grabbed the jewels and her bag and ran in. Ari sank to the floor and rested in the dark.

There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.
American Psycho

Sam's Town

Nobody ever had a dream round here,
but I don’t really mind that it’s starting to get to me
Nobody ever pulls the seams round here,
but I don’t really mind that it’s starting to get to me
I’ve got this energy beneath my feet
like something underground’s gonna come up and carry me,
I’ve got this sentimental heart that beats
but I don’t really mind and it’s starting to get to me
Now..”Why do you waste my time?”
Is the answer to the question on your mind
And I’m sick of all my judges
so scared of what they’ll find
But I know that I can make it
As long as somebody takes me home,
every now and then…
Oh, have you ever seen the light?
Have you ever seen the light?
I took the shuttle on a shock-wave ride,
where the people on the pen pull the trigger for accolade
I took a bullet, and I looked inside
Running through my veins
An American masquerade.

I still remember Grandma Dixie’s wake,
I never really known anybody to die before
Red, white, and blue upon a birthday cake,
My brother, he was born on the fourth of the July…and that’s all
"So why do you waste my time?"
Is the answer to the question on your mind
And I’m sick of all my judges,
so scared of letting me shine
But I know that I can make it,
as long as somebody takes me home…
You know, I see London, I see Sam’s Town
holds my hand and let’s my hair down
Rolls that world right off my shoulder
I see London, I see Sam’s Town now.

coincidences between lincoln and kennedy

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Both Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy were first elected to Congress in ‘46 and became president in ‘60.
John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln in a theater and ran to a warehouse; Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran to a theater.
When Kennedy was shot, the car he was riding in was a Lincoln. Lincoln’s last name was Lincoln.
Kennedy slept with Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe was in Some Like it Hot with Jack Lemmon. Jack Lemmon was in JFK, which tells the life story of John F. Kennedy, who was assassinated just like Lincoln.
John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln in his theater booth. Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy in a motorcade.
"Abraham Lincoln" has 14 letters; "John Fitzgerald Kennedy" has 21 letters; "Assassinate" has 11 letters.
Both men (except Kennedy) were born in log houses.
Lincoln’s wife’s maiden name was Todd, which (ignoring one of the d’s) read backwards, is dot, one of the two symbols used in Morse code, created by Samuel Morse, who invented the telegraph in 1844. Kennedy’s wife Jackie married Aristotle Onassis, from Greece, which had a civil war in 1944, exactly 100 years later.
Both Lincoln and Kennedy were succeeded by their Vice-Presidents.
Lincoln’s nickname was “Honest Abe.” After chopping down his father’s cherry tree, Kennedy once said, “I cannot tell a lie.”
Lincoln and Kennedy both died of Lou Gehrig’s Disease, not from being shot, as is commonly believed.
Both Presidents were assassinated (died of Lou Gehrig’s Disease) the same day: October 12, 1979.
Despite DNA testing, a 100-year separation, and overwhelming popular belief, Lincoln and Kennedy were actually the same man.

Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone and do not be troubled for the future for it is yet to come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
 Ida Scott Taylor

Two Slam Poems

Nana

You won’t have to listen

to the old witch,

probably bitching

underground. To her husband for his financial disarray

and that son… who never married, “Is he gay?”

Her sister, two plots over, was always jealous of her popularity.

Nana has a bigger headstone though.

Marble, ostentatious, with an eternal flame.

Inscribed with a Bible passage.

The real message, “I’m the best!”

Silent peace. For once,

no worries about pinched cheeks.

It’s actually a cool place. After hours.

To smoke and drink and screw around with some privacy.

And when your girlfriend gets pissed,

bring her flowers from the plot.

Now we walk all over you, Nana.

I love you (insert your name here)

Your kiss is a waterfall of your spit.

The food in your teeth

communion wafer

You hump me like you’re in epileptic fit.

Your illiterate grunts, I savor.

I want to fondle your manboobs,

mainly the lopsided one.

Your ass surpasses Jell-o’s merry jigglement

The grease, in your hair brighter the sun.

Snowy dandruff inspires Christmas sentiment.

Your snoring is a battleaxe to my ear.

I love you (insert your name here).

Far to fall

I have stood my entire life as one might stand at an ocean trying to sweep back the tide. I hope storms subside, but the easy thing is to surrender to the elements around me. I’m not afraid to stand alone, but I am afraid I will float away, or drop to the depths replaced without a trace. 

To the ordinary observer, I’m just an average person. There is no sure rule to gauge another. I may fit a certain mold, but to a friend or enemy, my view may alter so much that I don’t recognize myself. My perseverance and character may seem like accidents of nature. I lack emotional maturity, but have the winning, soft-hearted traits of a child. I am full of love-in the abstract-yet never made my loved ones happy. I am brilliant, educated, artistic, witty and kind. Somehow, I could be great, but the formulae for greatness does not work for me. It’s as confusing as adding two and two and discovering that, for once, it does not make four. My efforts and interactions are obscured in error and misunderstanding. I wish to be like others, am sad or jealous when I am compared to them, but for all my potency of utterance, am a creature of caprice. The real tragedy is, I have all the equipment for success; professionally and personally- I am talented and beautiful, but life is serious and hard.

I’ve always had an ambition for freedom, but I know that I am everlastingly controlled by infinite influences around me. I have never seen what freedom and happiness is. I keep on hoping for it, but realize that I may never have it. I wonder if I should hold onto my hopes and fantasies, beckoning like the curling fingers of waves in the distance. I know where I stand and keep my ground, aware I am the only one who believes in me. Sometimes it doesn’t seem worth the struggle, journeys that went off-course drown dreams. But, maybe, now is the time to shed my heavy cloak, jump in the pool and be confident the water will support me until I reach the other side.

25 things- the craze from the summer

1 No one has, or will get inside me. No one understands me. But I don’t really care, because if I did care it would drive me mad with disappointment.  They say you replace every molecule in your body every seven years. I changed myself drastically, especially in the last seven years. Am I that same person from before? Am I now… who people perceive me or want me to be? Or a fantasy, fulfillment, or failure of their expectations? Sometimes people look at the surface, or roles I play, and think they know me.  But that is just their opinion hanging a label on me and they don’t really look at or know me at all. And who will I become in the future?

2 I’ve had my nose, right wrist, right ring finger, both left and right femurs (the bone from your knee to hip) and right baby toe broken.

3 I have one tattoo on my left index finger of a black mustache.  I have myriad scars.

4 I speak English (DUH!) and German fluently. Some Spanish. Want to learn more Spanish.

5 I’m right-handed, but taught myself to write cursive and draw with my left hand.

6 I’m a decent artist with pencil or oils. I’ve actually sold caricatures (exaggerated drawings of faces) I did at a charity art fair before. Also, I’ve posed for an ex before nude and for drawings of my face. I have big features, so I’m easy to draw. He found it fascinating and unchallenging since I’m so odd, and his mom (eww) arranged to have them shown with his other stuff in a gallery in NYC.

7 I dream every night and every time I nap.

8 I have a wandering eye and it (maybe its conjecture) causes me to shoot from the hip with a hand gun and suck at golf- bad hand-eye coordination!

9 I’ve caught many wild animals and domesticated them since I was a toddler. Some memorable ones: raccoons (good pets, a cross between a dog and cat, literally they bark but climb, learn commands, yet are independent and look odd. Unfortch, they get wild when they get older and restless, so either set them free or let them run away), snakes from the woods, frogs from ponds, birds even a huge gull once. I’ve picked up and petted wild geese and ducks and squirrels, as well.

10 I’ve never done a drug.

11 I was vegetarian from when I was a toddler until my 20’s.

12 My nickname in junior high was “Adriane Pull um’ down” cuz I kissed a bunch of boys, had big boobs, and wore a lot of make-up.

13 I’m still best friends with my high school best friend Lana.

14 I get asked if I’m Latina, eastern European, or Italian every day, multiple times a night when I go to clubs, but I’m Welsh and Irish- as Celtic/Anglo Saxon as you get!

15 I’m related to Dan Qualye (cousin), another consummate dummy and doofus, like myself.

16 I want another tattoo already.  Most likely another one on my hand or back.

17 I can’t sing for shit and can’t play any instruments.

18 My natural voice is very soft and high pitched. It’s mocked often by family and friends. Even my mom’s two parrots love imitating it! Embarrassing, but it strains my throat to try to deepen it for too long. I have done/do it when I want to be taken seriously like when I did debate in college or in deep discussions or am angry or sad, but can’t do it permanently, it hurts too much.

19 I had my heart broken once. And it underwrites and impacts everything for me. Unfortunately, it was the death of someone. I have loved others and regret my mistreatment or loss of them, even if they seemingly asked for it with their comments or actions. I hate losing people I care about.

20 You would be shocked to know I am driven or competitive. I worked dang hard when I did debate and speech in college and was successful. Another way it manifests is I just started working out again and do anywhere from 1.5 to 2+ hours 7 days a week, or when I climb, I just like to work or exceed limits on myself, nothing to be proud of, I just mean although I seem like a slacker, I have this weird quality.

21 If I ever got married, I’d definitely get a prenup. Don’t know why people would EVER be adverse to it. I’d never want to be beholden to anyone and think it’s the right thing to do. I have lawyer friends who’d do it for me for free, likely they won’t have to.

22 I never wear pants.

23 I suck at dancing but have a decent rhythm.

24 I love kids and animals. I also love dinosaurs and studied them intently.

25 Reading, writing, and film are everything to me. My passions, lodestar, and entertainment are all creatively based.

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